i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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