very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
