Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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