just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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