His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
