My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
