I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
