My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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