My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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