Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
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if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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