omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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