im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
