I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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