Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
