Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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