Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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