i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
