you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
