I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
