Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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