I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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