Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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