do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
