remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
