I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
