i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
