i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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