trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
