Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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