just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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