So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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