does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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