Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
