Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
we're so committed to being not committed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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