Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
