She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
