Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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