im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
