When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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