Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
