I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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