Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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