Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
