dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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