we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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