Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
