i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
