At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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