I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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