I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
