A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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