It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
