fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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