An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
