at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
