Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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