Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
