i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
